No Love

This life so hard, why we afraid to die
Surprised I got this far, but the top still way too high

Don't look down, else you'll slip and fall
Don't got no doctor's gown, but still I'm standin tall

This life need no doctors, cause it got no cure
Just like I need no partners, shit is insecure

They said lies on me, tried to make me drown
So I got miles on me, guess I should thank them clowns

Cause what doesn't kill you, will always make you stronger
Man what's supposed to kill you, will make you live longer

Life so bizarre, but no one else is sane
Even batman can't save us, busy fighting Bruce Wayne

Cause no one love himself, we just hatin each others
Tried searchin dictionary, cant find the word "brothers"

I'm walkin through a fire, but I can't feel the burn
Life lost all it senses, I just watched and learned

Same Dream Different Bed

I called the girl of my dreams and told her to forget my number
Told her she changed a lot and the old her I wanna remember

Who would a thought a single year away
would have changed you in this way
I used to think of you and pray
for you each and every single day

I used to have you on my mind each time a girl I'd lay
But now I see how I was blind and I see how I was stupid
I tried to save some face so I blame it all on Cupid
Searchin for shatters of my pride so I can try and re-coup it

Then I hit it with a girl that was already committed
I don't know how it happened but man I fuckin did it
But she was so lost in the moment she could barely admit it
So she panicked and ran away in the middle of it

Then came back the memories of the other, man they almost faded
And my ex girl I broke her ego wonder if she ever made it
I wonder why the girls I played only fell for it while they dated
I rarely met a single girl that suits me man I hate it
They in it for the sex, and sex and love be unrelated
They in it for the checks, she saw my car and she almost fainted

That's the truth my man and its as ugly as it gets,
She gon hold on to her man and run to me for the sex
And I'm a play on again from one girl to the next
Today she says she wants you, next day she's just an ex.

Thanks

Sitting in a mexican restaurant awaiting the arrival of my self-imposed "date", I reflect on the happenings of the past two days.
A year after not seeing you, a year after you've been abroad, another country, another continent, I finally saw you- or missed seeing you yesterday at college.
Out of a morning exam, my head hurt, I could barely see your cousin and greet her, and there you were next to here and I didn't even notice. I guess your pride got a big blow. I walked on, and later on my friend tells me he saw you guys, and you were introduced to him as the girl I love. And he (pretended that he )didn't know what you were talking about. Strike 2. That must have hurt. That's how I knew you were here. And oh the simultaneous joy and stupidity I felt. I passed right by you and didn't even notice! Then it hit me that you surely must have taken it as an intended player act. And oh the shit I felt I was in.
You know what, what am I even doing here, you don't deserve this, you don't deserve being spent a single word on. What a bitch, not even a strong bitch, but one with a personality so weak and a mind so full of complexes that I didn't have the heart to hit back at your games.
It's because I respected what we had, I had appreciation for your old self. All that you had in mind was how to avenge your fallen pride. That was so cheap I swear, you even apologized for it, only so you could get me to talk to you again. Because you crave feeling wanted. I'm dying to see how you're gonna end up a 40 year old with a cat for every one of them years.
You know what's sadder? Its that after you apologized I forgave you, what a fool I was, and what a fool I am for being ready to do it again in case you do it once more. I don't understand why I'm still hung up on you, it can only be the memories we shared and the image of you I built throughout this year.. Because your current personality is zero, and physically you're a decline from your old self.
Why did you do that to yourself. Why did you prove them right, that love really doesn't exist and that I was only a dreamer...
But it's okay.. Every kid will eventually know that santa's fake. He'll be hurt for a while, but then he's gonna start using the fact that his parents are the ones who buy the gifts in a way that he can now choose whatever he wants, whether he's naughty or nice. The magic is gone, it's true. But it opens the way for me to be that player that breaks hearts with no regrets like I once used to do. Thanks.
Oh and, its true that I wasted a whole year on you, or on nothing to be precise. But the thing is, I can pick up from where I left off and move on, but you, you can't move on, you're stuck in the utter shit that you are.

Confessions of the Sick Mind of an Innocent kid

I've had you over for years, you'd come and go and I would make it look as if I barely noticed. You're in your thirties and I'm only 18. I want you so bad I swear. I still remember the days when you would enter my room, close the door behind you, with nobody else at home. You would lie on my bed, my own bed, the one I sleep in every night. You would have one hand caressing your hair, and the other holding my history book which you would read to me. No wonder I scored so low on the history exam. 60 minutes of history would theoretically bore any person to death, I wonder how you hadn't noticed how lively I was at the end of the hour. It was because I wouldn't hear anything. All I would do is look at you, again, on my fucking bed, lying as if you were waiting for someone to come and do the honors. I would look at your breasts, how they gently rested on my pillow, forming a scenery so erotic i would wonder if it was really happening. What about your voice, that sweet, slow, attention grabbing voice, what about those names you would call me. You never called me by my own name you know. That shit was hot. I still remember that blue shirt you were wearing that legendary day, and how it perfectly showcased your breasts. I still remember that you were the first woman I ever see in a G-string.
At first I thought it was just a fantasy, but now, 2 years later, you don't teach me anymore, I'm 18, and according to you, I look hot. You're single, you're in need of a guy, and you text me often at night, we even flirt. Suddenly that fantasy doesn't seem so far fetched. It hurts because that fantasy isn't fantasy anymore, I gotta worry about how to make it happen, if I can make it happen. You told me you don't drink, you don't believe in premarital sex. Then why make me go through all this. why make my quest even harder. I don't know if I should make a move or not. I swear you look and speak so hot it's out of this world.
I may fall in love, I may even sleep with girls just for the sake of it, I may constantly have some girl on my mind for some time, but always, always, if I could have you tonight, I would give anything up for it, you're something else.

More as a Memory

Something weird is going on, I think I am accepting you more as a memory and less as a realistic target. Every song I listen to, every breathe I take, I remember what we had with a smile, I remember you with a chill in my heart.. I don't get sad, I don't dig any deeper than the simple memory, I stopped wondering what would have happened if you were here, and started thinking of how to deal with your absence..
It's sad I guess, I finally admitted my defeat. Actually I finally accepted my defeat but am too proud to admit it, at least till now...

Grad

Take a deep breath. Put your white shirt on, your black slim-fit suit that you fought for, contemplate how beautiful your tan looks in the mirror, remember to thank the salon guy for this inch-perfect haircut. Walk on, but wait. Don't forget to spray a bit of Code around, you don't want to scare her off with your impersonation of prehistoric dudes. Now walk on. Head to your parents in the garden, endure your mother's kisses and make sure to remove the lipstick from your cheeks. On the other hand, wait, just keep a bit on, it looks hot. Pass by your dad and look him proudly in the eyes as he fixes your tie and tells you how you've become a man. Now stop faking pride and ask for money. Walk on.. Salute the chauffeur as he opens the door for you, and salute yourself for looking this good, and go turn some heads.
That was me, 364 days ago. That was graduation for me. My motto was a simple "look good and kill everything". And somehow it worked. The grad was a success, although my parents got to meet what they thought was my ugly girlfriend, whose dress and make-up didn't help the cause- at all. But all in all, it was a pleasant night. But I couldn't wait to graduate and leave behind me those people that I have become so indifferent towards I began to wonder what I was doing in grad in the first place.
She loved the way I looked. it's not that she told me that, she did, but I could also see it in her eyes how much she wanted me, I won't lie it felt so good. I still remember how she wrote LOVE with those sprinkled letters all over the table. It was so cute. I also remember how I forgot to tell her how beautiful she looked, maybe because she didn't... Anyways, grad over, we went back to my place, three of my guy friends, two of my girl friends, her, and some girl I don't like who came just because they told her by accident. But later it turned out her presence wasn't as marking as her obesity.
We had fun by the pool, there was a couple hidden away with the girl frustrated in trying to please the guy. There was another girl having fun with a guy who took it seriously and actually slapped her. That was weird. I remember another friend joined us, one that I love so much but awkwardly one that I didn't feel like having over that night. I don't know why. Anyways she was swimming, and I dove in.. We were so chill, it didn't even feel like we were together. Look I know I was all she wanted deep inside, but she was shy. But me? No I wasn't shy, but actually I was more busy with checking out the ass of her friend than I was thinking about her. I still remember that friend was wearing a white revealing dress that she lent her, I still remember how that friend looked way sexier than she usually does in it.
But that friend already got something going with a guy here, and if there's one rule that I won't ever break it's " bros before hoes". Even more now that I realize that hoes wasn't only used for rhyming issues.
Moving on, I still remember how she was looking at me while getting out of the water. She wanted me so bad and I played like I didn't understand. I deserve better than her. Actually screw deserving. I want better than her. But at the same time I was kind of glad I got her. It's like wanting a Ferrari but never letting go of your ride because you'll end up walking your way around. I was selfish I admit it. But hey, who isn't. I remember the folks got so hungry, but pizza hut was closed so I got them a home-made lasagna, prepared by none other than mom who got another look at her, as if she was trying to assure me that I was dating ugliness incarnate. These words are so mean I know, but forgive me for being honest. I didn't eat lasagna, not because I don't like it, I love it, but because I was such a loser I worried about gaining weight and ruining my body. A ruined mind coupled with a ruined body would have been a disaster when I think of it.
Then we sat down, actually we lay down, myself between her and my best friend on the same chaise longue, and no it's not gay, it's because you think that it's gay that you are gay, now hide that boner and read on. She was just too shy of being alone with me, actually it's more complicated than shy but it's a long story. I started smelling her hair, her wet back, and when she turned around, I was facing her wet breasts, and her neck. It was one of the hottest moments with her. I don't know I wanted her so much. If that girl got one thing right in her life, it's fucking perfume. Her smell was out of this world. Her dress was just as revealing as it should be it was perfect. Her tall legs were looking their best. But after all, I think I only wanted her because I couldn't have her back there. Story of my life, I know. Regardless, we stayed a while laughing and mixing songs. And I still remember nobody liked the songs I had, it still hurts you know. I was all about Dalida, Jacques Brele and co back then, I don't even know why. All they wanted was mainstream music. And between us, that was probably the choice that can't go wrong. I guess I was playing things a bit too sophisticated. Again, what a loser. They left, but before they did, she kissed me when everyone left the pool but her, I got so excited we started kissing, then she told me she had to leave because they'd suspect something was happening between us. Uh, baby they fucking know something's happening between us what'd you think that they're aliens from another fucking planet? Anyways too late for that. They left, and she accidentally took one of my phones with her. Admit it it sounds cool when I say "one of my phones", even I find it cool. I still don't think it happened by chance. I mean it was my alternate phone, the one with no key lock and loads of messages with other girls. I played it smart though, I sent her a message on it, so she couldn't do anything with the phone without opening it first. So she got paralyzed. That was like giving a small sample of our relationship. Lol. Then, I spent the night in bed waiting for my phone to be back. Before eventually telling my friend that I'll have it in the morning. So, like every other night, I fell asleep with her on the phone, telling my ego some bedtime stories like how beautiful I am and how bad she wanted me today.. Who was more pathetic, myself for needing every bit of her sweet talk? For talking back to her like I was talking to another woman that I actually wanted? For making her pay for every phonecall most of those nights? Or her, for living in a world of her own, for actually wasting money on thin air, for treating me like a king on the phone but like a stranger in life.. I think we're tied on this one.
That's me. A whole year after that day. Discovering more and more flaws that I carried around in that day. Regretting having hurt her each and every day after that day. Knowing that she was actually an accomplice in some way. But I just realized in life there is no black or white, there's just grey.

See You Soon

I tried being patient. I ended up being too patient. I lost more time than I should have on you, I wasted more memories than I should have, more sleepless nights, wishes on shooting stars. Tonight it ends. If I wasn't good enough to make you stay, then surely I'll never be good enough to get you back.
I'm finally moving on, I finally actually want to. It's been nice, what we had, thank you for the beautiful times. But it's time I tried something new, it's time I met the new you, and it's time you became the old her.
But I guess one thing's left to say, if one day you wake up with a change of heart, just know I'd give it all up for you. And how can I not.
So it's not goodbye I guess," see you later" is more like it..

Hate in Your Eyes

I see hate in your eyes, smell fear in your lies
Feel pain in your cries, and watch hope as it flies
I see your breath as it dies, smell love as it tries
To survive before it hides and run away to the skies

I feel stress in your soul, as u suppress every feeling
U feel depressed- in a hole, wonder how life got this real and
Wishing you could back to the times when you was just a little kid staring blankly in the ceiling
Watching cracks as they find their way to your heart
As u keep wonderin why they didn't tell you bout it from the start

You open a bottle of vodka and drink it up from top to bottom
Bring the knife to draw some scars before you realize you already got them
inside of you they bleed not blood but eternal pain
It's flowin like an open flood-driving you insane
Pain so real you can barely see in front of you
All you see is the girl that you loved and she made fun of you

You go crazy as you remember, today's her birthday 13 september
You wish you could hit her, fuck her even harder
As you picture her throwing the ring that you got her
U wanna make her cry, leave marks on her skin and
Leave her out to dry at the place u met at the beginning

Then you imagine her makin out with that other man
Suddenly you feel like killin him, why can't she understand
That you love her even though you hate her to death
And that you think about her each time you take a single breath
But you'll never show it cause she left you like the fucking bitch that she's become
Why did she have to blow it- so you reach that fucking drawer and pull out a gun
It only got one bullet, guess its gonna be a funny game
You can't wait to see that bitch when she knows that she's the one to blame
Then you aim it at your heart and shoot but you don't die
Oh that's right that heart she took it with her have another try
You put it in your head and pull the trigger down
Missed again, that mind of yours mustv moved with her across town

You take a deep breath and put the gun between your lips and pull
This time you get it right and fuckin free your soul

Your hand falls down, gun tied to it
Your smiling like a clown, you finally made it through it
Your eyes wide open as they look across the mirror on the facing closet
So you can clearly get to see your chest and how you tattooed her name across it

Reflections

Another night, holding everything I ever needed in my hands; my music, my keyboard, my hope, and my love for you. Yes, I do have everything I need. But why would it matter if I can't stretch my arms and share what I have with you. What's the point of taking care of myself, what's the point of trying to be happy, what's the point of working out, of shaving, of breathing, if I can't share it with you.
You know when I look at it, it's so awkward. Sometimes I try to explain the situation to myself; I met some girl, then I saw her again at a cafe, then she traveled back to her country. That's it. What the fuck happened in between those moments that made me fall for you like a fucking comet on doomsday I don't know. I still remember when you told me how wonderful it would be if I was in a car crash and someone took my phone and read our messages. I took this as a declaration of love, a quite special one coming from a special person.
I mean come on, let's imagine it did happen, you know how beautiful the person who took the phone would think our story is? Sometimes I wish the car crash did happen, maybe it was the missing spark, the only missing moment in our fairytale gone bad. But if it's any consolation, what I've been going through ever since you disappeared, each fucking day has been like a car crash. Every day I've been thinking of you as if it was my last day alive, every day I've been dreaming of you as if tomorrow I wasn't allowed to dream.
And I'm starting to think I'm not. I mean why dream and wait on some false hope. Why hurt myself over and over again. Why build faulty expectations. But it's worth it. I'd rather get hurt each single day of my life than miss seeing you in my dreams every once in a while. I'd rather stay hooked on you, write about you like some obsessed man than just forget you and move on. It's not that I can't forget you. But why would I want to forget something this beautiful. Why would I want to forget the best thing to happen to me. How stupid should I be to think of forgetting your beautiful smile, your innocence, your fucking charm.
That's it I guess, there's no clear solution to this, I guess I'm stuck here where I want to be. Anyways it's still better than not thinking of you. I guess it goes without saying that I don't regret meeting you. I don't regret having changed my life that day, and how can I.
I know it sounds so cliche but I swear the way you make me feel, even a year after you disappeared, it's fucking magical. I'm so high when I think of you, I start to breathe fast because I feel like the oxygen is running out.. Isn't it ironic that the reason behind my long term sadness, is the same reason behind my short term smiles and moments of euphoria. I swear when I think of you I stretch the whole of my body I feel blood circulating in every single cell.
I love it, I love how you're behind this, how you always push my limits. I mean look at me, I've become something like a regular writer, people love what I write. And even more, you've influenced everything in my life the exact same way. I would have never dreamt of being half the man I am today had it not been for laying eyes on you.
But I miss you it's so fucking annoying. I've gone to the point of accepting that we'll never be, I've gone to the point where all I'm fighting for is the sight of you. Even if you don't see me back. I just want a look at you. When I think of it all I imagine is a fucking boxing bag. It's because I know that what I want, no matter how simple it sounds, is so impossible it won't happen in a thousand years. How do you think I feel about that. But what do you feel? How are you doing? All I do is talk about me, it's so rude, I want to know more about you. Fuck if I could I would listen to you the whole fucking day even if you had nothing to say, just listen to your breath, but I can't.. It's so depressing I swear. Enough whining for one night. At the end of day, I hope that you're reading this, even if you don't know that it's me, and that it's you that I'm talking about, I want you to know that I love you. And that I never stopped thinking of you ever since..

Questions..

Why do I keep writing about you, how come you've become something like my specialty? Why do I never get bored, and why can't I sleep before writing about you even if I'm dead tired? Why has it become something like a duty? What is there left to write anymore? Why do I regret what I wrote when I read it each following morning, but proceed to do it again at night, why can't I stop moving around and breathing so hard when I write about you as if you're directly reading it? Why can't I accept the fact that I'm talking to myself, and how do I even know if you're worth all this.. What if I inflated your worth, what if you're not who I think and feel you are.. Would it even matter now.. Are you just an excuse that I use to vent my feelings and my daily life frustrations? Does that mean that I'm using you? If it does, doesn't it mean that you're letting me use you? Didn't you open the door for me in the first place? Why did u leave the door open behind you.. Why didn't you lock it and throw away the key.. Do you like seeing me suffer? Do you even think of it this way? Or at all? Am I that desperate? How long will this last, will you ever leave my mind, or will I ever admit that you left it long ago.. Will you ever come back, or will I ever admit that you were never here in the first place.. What do I believe? Facts or feelings, truths or hindsights? How come you take so much importance in my life? Is it because you're that important or because I have no other motivation? Doesn't it make of me a lazy man that's abusing you as an excuse for his laziness? Does that mean that I don't deserve you? Why does it matter since you don't care, and why would you care since this doesn't matter? Am I making shit up? Do I even understand what I'm asking.. And will I ever get an answer? Is there even an answer to these questions.. Or is it too obvious that I'm making stuff out of nothing?